Many of you who visit this site will notice one very annoying thing - this site isn't updated quite that often. And you may ask yourself - "Why is that?" "Why the fuck can't a recently IPO'd company update it's site?" "Like, how many employees, writers, and editors does this site have?" "What the hell is wrong with them?" Well, the answer is quite simple folks: we're just all very lazy. C'mon now, you expect us to friggin' use our brain powers to begin developing something that is substantial enough to be an updated website. If you think so then you are deathly wrong (and a stupid wrong too).

I was talking with Alan Hicksey the other day. He's the guy who does most of the writing for this site and he was talking about a problem he had with his knee. It seemed that his knee was growing. He didn't know why and it was beginning to worry him. He told me he went to the doctor and that the doctor was somewhat baffled to his knee grow. The doctor recommended that he drain his knee of it's rich gravy by sticking a very sharp but thin pin in it twice every daily. That way the gravy can leave his knee grow so that eventually he can have knee less. Why did I mention this? I actually don't know. Think it had something to do with the thing I'm smoking right now. It's pretty good. No... it's not marijuana, or some like to call it "gan-ja". It's a piece of sweetened Italian pepper-sausage that I bought in Italy during my murderweb paid vacation. Okay, I guess this is getting old.

Anyway, contradicting all I've written so far -- I'd like to apologize to those people who like this site and come to it often to read stories, poetry, or breaking news that we provide. Seriously, I'd like to announce that we will be laying off 40% of our staff. Hmmm, well... laying off in the sense of laying them down and laying them off... if you know what I mean. This is not a porn site so I won't go in much detail about this "laying off" procedure. Why I mention this is because we need to excite our employees to work and produce a high quality site that people can come to and simply love, appreciate, and respect. And we do respect our users. No, really. We do. I'm not just saying that. We promise to have this site updated at least once a week with the words that keep your existence vital. We will be redesigning our back-end systems and maybe upgrade to a mySQL database to store the stories (we're currently storing them on paper, and when a request to the web server comes in, Bobby Calester quickly types the words off the paper back to the HTTP client -- the protocol is not really scaling that well and we are in dire need of changing it). So we've hired consultants to come in and help us re-organize the back-end servers. Geez, I'm getting too technical about this. Aren't I.

I guess I want to rest assure the notion that the site you used to love "murderweb.com" will become the site you will love (even if it's slightly less) because it will be updated frequently for your viewing pleasure. Thank you for making this site your home and thank you for being you, you sick fuck. What the hell do you find gratifying about this site. If I were you I wouldn't come back! Geez...

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Sorry, the Italian sausage thing is getting to me still. Ignore everything I said prior to this sentence. Now ignore the previous sentence. That's all I have to say. Goodbye.